Funny jokes

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.

Hi guys!

Bestfriend @3am: I love you.

Me: Love you too.

*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*

I don't know if this is funny.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

What was the orphan's name?

Jake! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣😂😂

Spell "I cup." It's funny.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

I see you guys have SANS-ational jokes!

What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

What instrument can a skeleton never play?

An organ.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

Why are orphans good at being a criminal?

Because they're not wanted.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why did the carrot roll down the hill?

Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

I don't say funny stuff because I'm afraid they will take the German passport from me.

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.