Fruit jokes

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!

What kind of fruit can fix your toilet?

A plum-mer.

What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?

An orphan.

When you see someone, you say, "Go suck bananas."

Where do fruits go on vacation?

"Pear-is!"

Why don't you see gay people in wheelchairs?

Because once you're a fruit, you can't be a vegetable.

There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.

Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

An apple and an emo kid fell from a tree, which one hit the ground?

The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.

What is the chemical formula for a banana? BaNa2

What is the email password of a black person?

"watermelon"

What is yellow and smells like bananas?

Who was purple and wanted to rule the world?

Alexander the Grape.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A Ba-na-na-na! (To the tune of Beethoven's 5th symphony)

What did the banana say to Ethan, Ryan, and Cooper?

"Hi!"

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Fruit Ninja was a gay weeaboo!