Friends jokes

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

Two friends are arguing and one friend says, "Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs, ands, or buts about it."

And the other friend says, "Butt he is."

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

Are your forehead and hairline friends? 'Cause they go way back.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

I have more STDs than Hicks has friends at the moment. I only have one.

I only have a few friends, like if you relate.

Based on a true story.

Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!

Friend (Evan): Did you do some dumb shit?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Did you get us both in trouble?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Will I still help you because you are my best friend?

Both: FUCK YEAH!

Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.

A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

Denki: Hey Mineta, I have a joke.

Mineta: ...go on...

Denki: Ochako's booty.

Mineta: I don't get it?

Denki: Exactly.

Mineta: *cries T_T*

Once a monkey lived in a jamun tree. His friend, a crocodile, came there to eat jamun everyday. The second day, he ate some jamun and left some for his wife. Soon, his wife said, "Why don't you kill this monkey?"

The crocodile was sad and then asked the monkey to come to his place. The monkey said, "What if I drown?" The crocodile said, "Jump on my back." The monkey jumped on his back. The crocodile soon said, "I am gonna kill you. My wife is sick and wants to eat your heart." The monkey said, "I left my heart on the jamun tree." Then the crocodile swam back to the jamun tree and the monkey jumped on the tree.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.

He one day said his business was "remarkable."

Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends Argon.

How did number 1 kindly make number 2?

I got my ass kicked, let's be friends?

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.