Friends jokes
What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?
None.
They're both imaginary.
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
i would do that
I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.
I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!
Why can't orphans call their friends?
Because they don't have a home phone!
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?
Because all of his friends argon.
So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight."
Her friend said "No, it's 666-3629."
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."
A cow is at his friend's house for a sleepover party. Sadly, all of the beds are taken. Where does the cow sleep?
On the COWch (couch).
In Africa, a koala and a kangaroo were very thirsty. The kangaroo said that when they have no water, they dig a hole and water comes out of it. Then the kangaroo dug, and in one minute the koala asked if there was any water. The kangaroo said no, and the koala had to wait for many minutes. Soon water came out of the hole, and then the koala jumped into the hole and drank water. The kangaroo wanted water too, so he tried to pull out the koala, but instead, his tail got chopped off, and then they never became friends again.
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.
So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."
Guys, add me as a friend in Roblox. I'm hawaiilover973 :D