Friends jokes

My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

Friend 1: I HATE YOU!

Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!

Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*

Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.

All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

Friend 1: *turns off lights*

Friend 2: *is there with us*

Me: Woah! Where did friend 2 go?!

A young orphan boy goes to school for the first time. A bigger boy comes and punches him. He says, "What are you gonna do, cry to your mommy?" The boy cries.

Next morning, he wakes up and comes to school. The same thing happens, but the older boy brings his friends. This time, after he says, "You gonna tell your mom?", the little boy says, "Yes, I will tell them that there is company coming over."

Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.

My friend: How?

Justin: Justin!

What happens when a Tandemaus evolves?

Friend: What's that white stuff coming out of the Pokémon Box?

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?

Suicide squad.

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?

"Ain't you got no cents?"

Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."

Hi, everyone. Serious question. Would it be illegal to decapitate a worm? Asking for a friend, he's so worried we're going to jail. I'm not. I'm fine. Please reply fast.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Your hair and your hairline must be best friends, 'cause they go waaaaay back!

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.

My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.

You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.