Friends jokes

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

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I'm sorry.

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.

I see a dreamer.

Who was Goldilocks' best friend?

Goldie.

Friend A: "Why are you still a virgin, bro?"

Friend B: "I was until last night."

Friend A: "Nah, nah, who with?"

Friend B: "Your sister."

Friend A: "I don't have a sister."

Friend B: "Just wait 9 months, you'll see."

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."

Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?

How does a skeleton call his friends?

On the tele-bone!

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

I added Paul Walker on Xbox...

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.