Friends jokes

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?

Act like a nut.

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

Beans for centuries have been called "false friends," because they have a tendency to talk behind one's back. If you get my drift. 🤣

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?

Friend: Don’t know?

Me: U STUPID!

You have to tell this to a friend:

There are 30 cows in a field. 20 ate 28 chickens. How many didn't? A: 10

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Not a joke: one of George Floyd's criminal friends shot his grand-niece as they wanted a piece of the 27 million dollars.

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."

My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"

Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.

What do guns and gum have in common?

When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.