Friends jokes

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I was in the mood for some dark meat, so I called my black friend.

I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

Yo hairline is so crooked it makes your gay best friend look straight.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?

Because all of his friends argon.

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!