New Friends Jokes - Page 71 - Worst Jokes Ever

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"

I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

I have friends.

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.

A friend texts to another:

"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"

The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"

To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."

Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.

Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.

When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.

My friend was like, "That's a huge sack of balls!"

He didn't realize what was about to happen.

"That's what she said!"

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

What do you call a nine year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

Get it? I read? No... ok.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"