Friends jokes

One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.

I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."

How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?

They're my friends.

Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?

Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.

My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"

Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?

I was talking to a close friend that was Islamic.

He said he was being shipped to an amazing training.

I asked, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Camp Bin Laden."

I asked, "What do they do there?"

He answered, "They got bomb training and hand to hand combat training. Plus they got arts and crafts."

I asked, "What do you mean by arts and crafts?"

He said, "See this towel on my head?" I nodded. "I made it out of boxer jokes."

Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."

When you're playing online with your friend, then you hear a kid scream: "No, Dad, please stop!" Scream ends with a gunshot.

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

Once my friend's bakery burned down... His business is toast.

Me: It smells like good fam.

Friend: What's good fam?

Me: Nothing much, what about you fam?

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

Why did the fridge have lots of friends?

Cause it was COOL.

My friend's name is Campbell, so she must love soup.