Mile

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

Orphan

Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?

Because his parents will be far from home.

Memes

Chili

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”

Sex

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

Hairline

Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."

Orphanage

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

Record

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

Pedophile

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

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  • Paul Walker

    I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.

    But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.

    Update

    Stephen Hawking isn't dead; his update is just laggy because he is too far from the WiFi box.

    Teacher

    A note for My arts/health teacher:

    oh ms aziz, you've got no rizz, all she do is screams, whether u like it or not, she thinks this makes her hot, she thinks this makes her pop but it just makes me want to crack her head from the top, until she says STOP, and down on the ground she goes plop... and her screaming has finally stopped, and my plan hasn't flopped thus far.... plan B is ram her with my car, fill her shoes with tar, and the prahnas i'll set on her go RAWR... she don't know what she coming for.

    Hairline

    Your hairline goes so far back that cars on a highway don't know which way to turn.

    Michael Jackson

    There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

    What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

    Hairline

    Your hairline's so far back even Bill Nye the Science Guy couldn't use photosynthesis to fix it.