Mile

11 views ·

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

Chili

18 views ·

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”

Sex

86 views ·

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

Pedophile

44 views ·

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

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  • Record

    13 views ·

    What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

    No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

    Orphanage

    5 views ·

    My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

    I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

    He asked, "In an orphanage?"

    Update

    18 views ·

    Stephen Hawking isn't dead; his update is just laggy because he is too far from the WiFi box.

    Bucket

    17 views ·

    I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

    Teacher

    10 views ·

    A note for My arts/health teacher:

    oh ms aziz, you've got no rizz, all she do is screams, whether u like it or not, she thinks this makes her hot, she thinks this makes her pop but it just makes me want to crack her head from the top, until she says STOP, and down on the ground she goes plop... and her screaming has finally stopped, and my plan hasn't flopped thus far.... plan B is ram her with my car, fill her shoes with tar, and the prahnas i'll set on her go RAWR... she don't know what she coming for.

    Hairline

    90 views ·

    Your hairline goes so far back that cars on a highway don't know which way to turn.

    Michael Jackson

    13 views ·

    There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

    What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.