Family jokes

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.

Parents: "OH! Honey, we were just wrestling!"

Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"

There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?

A. An easy bake oven.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Yo mama's feet are so fat, she had to wear a sock on each toe.

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?

Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

What is an orphan's favorite show?

Batman.

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

All orphans must be gay because they are not home o'fobic.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.