Family jokes

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Yo mama's feet are so fat, she had to wear a sock on each toe.

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?

Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

What is an orphan's favorite show?

Batman.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?

When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

Me: Hey, are your parents home?

Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!