Family jokes

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

What do you call your angry French aunt?

A crossaunt.

Yo mama so fat, I saw her eat with 3 utensils: A spoon, a knife, and a FORKLIFT.

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?

Cause that's the only way they get love.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.