Family jokes

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Violets are blue, roses are red.

Last night your mom was giving me head.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Why can't an orphan go on a field trip? They don't have a parent's signature.

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

Why can't orphans watch "The Simpsons"?

Because they don't know who's Homer.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.