Family jokes
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
My wife was going to have an abortion and I have cancer.
Ha Ha Ha
I thought it was funny.
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍
After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.
So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.
"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"
"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"
And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:
"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"
Dad: Johnny! Johnny!
Little Johnny: Yes, Papa?
Dad: Did you hit your brother?
Little Johnny: No, Papa!
Dad: Telling lies?
Little Johnny: No, Papa!
Dad: Let me see your fist.
Little Johnny: Ha ha ha!
Dad: What is so funny?
Little Johnny: You are, Dad, because I don't have a brother!
Dad: >:(
Little Johnny: What? It's true!
Dad: You do have a point there, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Love you, Dad!
Dad: Love you too, son.
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
What do you call an orphan with parents?
I don't know... what?
Kidnapped. :)
Why can’t orphans have a horse?
Because they run away like their mum did.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, I will kill your family.
Why do orphans become criminals when they grow up? Because they want to be wanted.
What’s the difference between a child who is home alone and an orphan?
They’re both alone, but only one is home.
There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.
Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.