Family jokes

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.

Incest.

When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.

I tried to give directions to an orphan, but he got lost because there was no home.

Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.

Why can't you eat cereal?

Because your dad never came back from getting the milk!

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not your parents.

Yo mama so fat she got married by 20 men, but they think there's only one side of her! I tried making one of my own.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.