Family jokes

I will always remember my dad's last words...

Oh wait, I've never heard them.

Your mom is fat, and that's a joke.

Knock knock. Who's there? Jo. Jo who? Jo Auntie.

Don't adopt people, or else your parents are gonna say you're ACTUALLY adopted, k thx. No jokes anymore, bye.

Grandma: calls You: Hello Grandma, what are you doing? Why, you can't mean I'm right in the house right now? Grandma: I didn't mean to call you, bye.

What's the difference between a happy family and a car guy? Only one has a family.

My dad left me.

"Send me back, I never liked you."

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

A child with cancer says, "Mother, what will I be when I grow up?"

Then the mother says, "Shut up, dick, you have cancer!" Hehehe.

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

Your momma!

What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?

If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because he can't find his parents.

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.

Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

Dad: Because you were made there.

Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

Dad: Hol' up a minute.

What cries, is red, and is a pokey boi?

The baby you just feed nails to.

Stephen Hawking's family was cruel. He fell over and got told to man up and walk it off.

Orphan: I want to kill my parents.

Random kid: I don’t think you have the facilities to do that, big man.