Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
Why did Billy fall off his bike?
Because his dad threw a chair at him.
I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.
I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.
My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.
My mom said don't fuck whores.
So I kicked my step sis out the house.
Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.
I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."
Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."
Students: "oof"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Yeah, your parents."
Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!
Orphan: You will?
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
My grandma asked me if I could visit her.
I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.
Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."
Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"
Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
