Why did Billy fall off his bike?
Because his dad threw a chair at him.
I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.
I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.
My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.
My mom said don't fuck whores.
So I kicked my step sis out the house.
Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.
I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."
Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."
Students: "oof"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Yeah, your parents."
Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!
Orphan: You will?
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
My grandma asked me if I could visit her.
I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.
Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."
Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"
Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"
