Family jokes

You're an orphan and blind. You have cancer. You will die in 3 days. Merry Xmas!

I look at your bro.

And all I can see is the real definition of *"Lack of Grace!"*

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

Bob: Siri, call 666!

*dialing noises*

Bob: Hello?

Bob's dad: Hi!

Why can’t orphans have an iPhone?

Because they can’t hit the home button.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang, because it came back unlike their parents.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me, so they can get adopted.

Girl: I like girls.

Dad: Ok?

Girl 2: I like girls too.

Dad: Okay, so who likes boys?!

Boy: I do.

Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"

How do you punish a blind kid?

Move to a new house.

Mom: Hey hun, need some money for lunch at school?

Son: No, I got 1k already.

Mom: Wait, what, how?

Son: Mom's wallet is magic.

My parents came back from their vacation in Florida, and all I got is this lousy nursemaid from Miami named mammie.

Yo mama is so dumb, she'll watch edited Peppa Pig all day long.

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."

What happens when the orphan at school gets sent home?

Q: A mom had 5 children: January, February, March, April. What is the name of the fifth child?

A: What.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”

Reply back with “Because you were born.”

I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.

Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.

Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?

Me: Aren't you my son?

Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.