Family jokes
What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.
Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alabama.
Alabama who?
Alabama your cousin.
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he gets to call someone father.
What do orphans, parents, and a ball have in common?
If you throw them, they both will never come back.
How did the orphan die?
Of sadness.
When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."
I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.
AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"
Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."
Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.
Where do you think all the orphans went?
In the World Trade Center, I trapped them in so they can finally get to their parents.
This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?
Your mom has a bone to pick with me.
In a deep village in Germany, an old man asked his granddaughter, "What are you doing?"
His granddaughter replies, "Removing Polish with chemicals."
Grandpa said, "When I was young, I did the same."
Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.
Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?
Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.
Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.
Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.
Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.
Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?
Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.