Family jokes
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
Tell world's best yo mama joke to an orphan, then watch them cry.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
Why do orphans hate any milk?
Their dad did not come back for 10 years. Oh, sorry, he got lost in the store! 🤧
What's the number one thing in an orphan's search history?
"How to find a family."
Sally's mother had four children. The fourth April, the second May, the third June. Who was the first child?
Sally.
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
Why can’t orphans be a space ship? Because they don’t have a mothership!
Tell an orphan "your mom", but then remember he doesn't have one.
Damn, that beat dropped harder than my grandma falling down the stairs.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't hit a home run.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.
Fuck you and your shitty family!
My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.
I still remember my grandpa's last words.
"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."