Family

Family jokes

Eye

    • Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

    Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

    The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

    The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

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    • Name

    • If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

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    • Diabetes

    • I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

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    • Family memes

    Kid

    • A kid asks his mom what dark humor is.

    She says, “You see that man with no arms, tell him to clap.”

    “But mom, I’m blind!” says the kid.

    “Exactly,” replied the mom.

    Tree

    • Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

    Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

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    • Dad

    • Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Your dad.

    But my dad's dead.

    I know, just reminding you!

    Mom

    • Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Your mom.

    Your mom who?

    O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!