Family jokes

Your mom's hot.

Why can't you teach an orphan new tricks?

Because there is no one to teach them.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!

If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

Why can orphans type? Because they can’t find the home row.

Wife: Honey, I love you.

Husband: I love you all.

Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?

Because they have no family.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?

A: They can’t find home.

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"