Family Jokes

One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”

I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.

What has 2 legs, 2 arms, and an abusive father?

Aaron.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Why are there adoption centers? Because it's a market for pedophiles.

A comic strip with four panels. In the first panel, a woman with short brown hair is talking to an old woman with white hair. A young boy is standing beside them. In the second panel, the old woman is saying something to the boy. In the third panel, the boy points while talking to the old woman. In the last panel, the old woman is crying and the boy is playing basketball.

People should stop making jokes about major tragedies. My dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

If you punch an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!

Knock, knock!

"Is that daddy?"

No, but I'm about to be, so get on your knees!

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.

Kid: Why?

Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.

What did the tree say to his sister? Wood you please leaf me alone, you son of a birch?

Johny Sin's son checked his father's folder of p*rn in his laptop.

and found that in all the videos his father is...

Why did the blind kid drop his ice cream? He got run over by his mom.

What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?

"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND CLEAN MY ROOM! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!

Yo mama fat as fuck.

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."

A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.