Family jokes
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't find home plate.
If you're mad, hire an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents? š¤£š¤£
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't find home! šš¤£
Why didn't the bear leave home?
He could not bear leaving his family.
Memes
When you turn 400 those nasty thoughts sometimes peer in, but if you're lucky, you can be cleansed by the machine spirit by simply visiting your local tech priest.
What is the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"
Why canāt orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
Your so broke your mom can't afford your daddy.
Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.
I like my women like my family, theyāre related.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"
My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?
My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.
In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.
A sister told her brother to walk to the store, buy some candy, and watch a movie with her while eating the candy.
But he couldn't walk because he has no legs. He couldn't buy candy because he has no arms. He couldn't watch a movie because he was blind, and he couldn't eat because he has no stomach. Who said he was real?
A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.
One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, āI CHAIRish my Chairā as he pulls up a chair.
Me: "I came home laughing."
Parents: "What's wrong?"
Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."
Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"
Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."
Parents: "What is it?"
Me: "Who farted?"
What do Chinese parents hate the most?
A newborn daughter...