Family jokes

I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

Why can orphans type? Because they can’t find the home row.

Wife: Honey, I love you.

Husband: I love you all.

Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

Ur mom gay.

"Hey Modda, I'm hungry."

Why can’t an orphan have a dog? It always runs away.

Yo mama so hairy that bigfoot dated her.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?

Because they have no family.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

Why didn't the bear leave home?

He could not bear leaving his family.