Family jokes

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."

It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they can't call anyone their dad.

Why did the orphan turn gay?

A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."

What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can actually call home.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

Why do orphans always go to white vans when someone asks?

Because they want to feel wanted.