Family jokes

I put the fun in dysfunctional.

What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. And your mom is, too.

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

The teacher once said to some students, "I was an orphan before your principal hired me."

The students said, "Oof, that is sad."

The teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance. She said, "Is anyone missing?"

The students said, "Your parents."

The teacher got offended and later that day quit her job.

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

What is a cow on two legs?

Yo mama!

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

Q: What were my son's last words before he died?

A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.

He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."

But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"

Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."

Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"

(Santa winks at you)

Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.

Mom: No, honey, I killed him.

What's the difference between your mom in bed and Biden in the presidential race?

Your mom finishes.

Why do orphans always get picked on?

They can't run and tell their parents.

It’s me back at it again.

The earth was flat till they buried yo mama!!!

What do you call my sister?

Suicidal.

Why do orphans like apples? Because they get picked.

Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

Q: Why can't the orphan buy Robux?

A: He could not use his mother's credit card.

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.