Family jokes

My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.

Why is the iPhone X the perfect phone for an orphan?

Because there is no home button.

What do you call an orphan fish?

Self-ish.

I like my kids like I like my lamps.

Hung from the ceiling.

I put the fun in dysfunctional.

What is the difference between artificial vanilla and Marjorie Taylor Greene's children?

Artificial vanilla comes from a beaver's asshole, the children from an asshole's beaver.

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They don't have a home plate.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell 'em to clap until their parents come home.

What makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common?

Not all are friends.

What's the difference between an orphan and a puppy?

Parents enjoy the presents of a puppy.

Orphan: *crying* You: Do you know where your parents are? Orphan: No. Your Friend: They don't have parents!!! You: 😂 I know.

Harry Potter has an invisibility cloak, I have family.

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game? Adopt Me.

You're so skinny, your mom actually enjoyed your birth!

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.

1+1 answer 2 said all the kids, but 1 kid said 5. Then I said your mom feels embarrassed because everyday you look into the mirror, you see how empty your brain is.

Yo mama so fat, Dora can't explore her.

A 14 year old girl finds out she is pregnant. Her: "Crap! My mom is going to kill me!"

The fetus: "lol same here."

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.