Family jokes

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Bob: Kanye West.

Dad: No, but I can East.

UGHHHHHHH TODAY WAS TERRIBLE! My wife got hit by a bus!!! And I lost my job as a bus driver!

Your hairline receded just like your father did years ago.

How do you make an orphan clap until his hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

Why are orphans good at math? Because they can subtract their parents from the family.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mom isn't here because she doesn't love you.

Why do orphans live on the street?

They don't have parents to put a roof over their head.

My grandfather loves Hitler. They both had one ball.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

Q: Why can't orphans ever win at Yahtzee?

A: Because they can never seem to get a full house.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can never find home.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.

Little Johnny was learning about anal sex, when he learned what it was he said, "My uncle just calls this shhhhh..."

How do orphans have a family reunion?

They use a Ouija board.