Family jokes
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today.
She responded with a list:
- Take out the trash.
- Clean your room.
- Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets.
That’s all sweetie!
yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"
I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
Why do orphans have an iPhone 10?
Because it doesn't have a joke button.
Me: I'm sorry, Aaron.
Aaron: Why?
Me: Your parents couldn't be bothered to look past page one in the big book of baby names.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Only one of them gets picked...
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home.
Why do orphans cry at insurance places?
They got offered the family plan.
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
Tyler
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? The apple got picked.
Why do orphans hate cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What is an orphan's least favorite store?
Family Dollar, they just can’t seem to find one.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
What is the only reason you can hit an orphan and get away with it?
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?