Family jokes

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

Why does your grandma like gardening so much?

Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.

What song do supportive parents of a closeted child love?

“The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow.”

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

Why can't orphans have cookies?

They are home made.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they can’t get a home run.

Kid: What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?

Teacher: What?

Kid: Fruity Pebbles with water.

Teacher: Why water?

Kid: 'Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

Yo mama so fat I can see where you got in from now.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.

Why don’t orphans live in villages?

Because they will get abandoned.

She responds: “See that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”

The kid replies: “But, Mom, I’m blind!”

Mom: “Exactly.”

An advantage of being an orphan: the teacher can't give you any homework.

How are orphans like broken pencils?

Neither of them have points.

What show do orphans relate to? I'm going with "The Hunger Games."

What is an orphan's favorite beer?

Fosters.

Why do orphans like boomerangs?

They actually come back.

Why can orphans travel around so much?

A. They never get homesick.