Family jokes
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know what a home is.
Dad, there was one day I was playing jump rope with a pig, and then I made pulled pork out of him.
Son, he is dinner.
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because he doesn’t know where home is.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Q: A mom had 5 children: January, February, March, April. What is the name of the fifth child?
A: What.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Your mam is gay.
Yo mama so fat, when you married your sister, she was big enough to sit on the groom's side and the bride's side.