Family jokes

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

My mother said I'm sexy. I said no, I have cancer.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

Why do orphans always get picked on?

They can't run and tell their parents.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

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So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Why do orphans never play baseball?

'Cause they can never get a home run.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

The person to make the first cannabinol cookbook had a wife and ate (eight) children.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

What happened to the blind man's son?

He thought he was hitting a piñata.

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

What's better than throwing up a stillborn?

Making your wife eat it again.

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.