Family Jokes

My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

At least now I can have his phone he left.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.

Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?

Because she made her dad mad.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

A new game the whole family can play...

Incest.

There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.

We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.

I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

It's not my fault my cousin's hot ;) YEE YEE

Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"

Phone rings; "Are your parents home?"

Orphan; "Stop calling here!"

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 4.

Your mom gay.

I lick cows for my mother.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?

Daddy.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

My dad.