Family

Family Jokes

Brother

My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

At least now I can have his phone he left.

Orphanage

Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.

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  • Daughter

    Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

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  • Food

    There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.

    Restaurant

    We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.

    I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"

    Lamborghini

    What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

    I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

    Daughter

    Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."

    Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"

    Funeral

    My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

    Dad

    My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

    Oyster

    What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?

    Realizing you only put in 4.

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  • Grandpa

    I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"