I have an auntie who has no arms and no legs. She is my dad's half sister.
Family Jokes
My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.
Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.
Can't wait for the orphans to have their family reunion! Wait...
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
I made a website for orphans the other day... it doesn’t have a home page.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?
Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
If you're ever bored, kick an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
I made a website for orphans, but there's no homepage.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?
A: They can’t find home.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
