What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
Family Jokes
How can you make a orphans hand bleed?
Real them to clap until there parent come home.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess.
His family is nuts.
His neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And his owner beats him.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
Jake, Tommy, and Mike were adopted. Jake got adopted, Tommy got adopted, and Mike. Mike grew up to be an office worker. So you get a new job, and hear something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY!"
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
If I had a sister with only 1 leg... wouldn't her name be I-Lean?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
He probably picks hair off his dad’s dick, then probably puts it in his hair.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?
Me: My sister.
SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
Because he thought that she would leave him too.
When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.
It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.
Din mor ligner en banan. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.
A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."
