Family jokes
"Um, honey, I'm glad you're done, but um, WHO KICKED OUR BABY'S ASS?! I'M PRETTY SURE FACES DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!"
What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.
Yo mama so ugly, she made everybody's face fall off.
Yo' mama is so stupid, she couldn't find a needle in a haystack.
Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo' mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.
What are the best kind of fruit for twins? Pears 🍐
I have a dad.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.
When your grandma says she's rusty but still manages to teach you.
Why do I f*** my mom?
Like father like son. #batabababa
Why did I f*** my dad?
So I could have s€x without my mom finding out. Should I not have done that?
Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.
Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"
Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"
What do you call an octopus whose father left?
An octopie.