Family jokes

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.

Person: You suck!

Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Penis enters my dad and sister.

My dad left me.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

What's the difference between a happy family and a car guy? Only one has a family.

I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.

Mom, I’m pregnant.

Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.

My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

Your mom shat you out after having Taco Bell. That’s why she calls you a little shat.

Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."

How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?

Kick his sister's jaw.

At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.