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Family jokes

If you're ever bored, adopt an orphan. What is he going to do, be kissed by Vedanta?

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.