Family jokes
Roses are red.
My soul is black.
I am never getting my dad back.
Cousins make dozens.
Closer kin, deeper in!
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
Your momma's so fat, a whale said, "Hello, Mom!"
I remember my uncle's last words:
"I don't think we're going shooting today."
My family.
Connor: Hi Mom.
Mom:
Connor: I forgot I'm adopted to 2 dads!
Mom, can I please go out and play?
... no answer.
Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"
Guy: That's probably because you're single.
What type of flour do orphans use to bake with...? Self-raising flour!
Yo mama so fat, she is fat.
Who did Stephen Hawking love more than anyone else?
His wife, "Eye," who was also bad at running.
I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"
I fucked my mom.
"and i oop"