My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
What's the difference between a happy family and a car guy? Only one has a family.
I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.
Your mom shat you out after having Taco Bell. That’s why she calls you a little shat.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?
A: The homepage.
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?
Kick his sister's jaw.
At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.
Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.
Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!
You wonder and you wonder. Grandma said you better go to bed now. Tell your dad and grandpa, and your dad and your mom.
Grandma: calls You: Hello Grandma, what are you doing? Why, you can't mean I'm right in the house right now? Grandma: I didn't mean to call you, bye.
One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱
What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”
Reply back with “Because you were born.”
Superman has been called to a huge house fire.
Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"
Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"
Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."
Daddy bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"
Mummy bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"
Don't adopt people, or else your parents are gonna say you're ACTUALLY adopted, k thx. No jokes anymore, bye.
Your dad never needed a van for you.
