Family jokes
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?
Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?
The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!
Yo momma's so fat that she got married to diabetes!
Bob: Siri, call 666!
*dialing noises*
Bob: Hello?
Bob's dad: Hi!
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?
"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."
What's the worst thing you can say to a widow?
"I'm sorry, I just had to."
Why do orphans hate milk? Cause their family is still shopping for it!
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
Congratulations! 10 years+ record of hide and seek with your parents, and they're still hiding!
They hide so well, they probably forgot about you. Mwah. <3
What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.
Never say to an orphan, "Bye buddy, hope you find your dad!"
Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell him, "Clap your hands until your mom comes."
To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!