Family jokes
Yo mama is so fat we need to use yo papa!
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.
You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.
Your mum, your dad, The things you never had.
What's worse than ants in your pants?
Your uncle.
I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.
Crying babies are like parties. No matter how many times you try to end it, it keeps going.
What is an orphan's least favorite store?
Family Dollar, they just can’t seem to find one.
A boy was terrible at writing sentences, so his teacher gave him an assignment to help with that. The boy was to go home, write five sentences, and return to school the next day.
When he went home, he took a notepad and a pen and went to his dad for help. His dad was in a very important business call, so he angrily shouted at the child, "Shut up, you donkey!" The boy noted down that sentence. He next went to his mom, who assumed that he wanted to play video games, so she said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." That was his second sentence. For the third sentence, he went to his older brother, who was watching football where someone scored a goal, so he was jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!"
For the fourth sentence, he went to his sister, who was singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" For the last sentence, he went to his grandmother, who was cleaning the toilet and singing, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."
He went to school the next day, and his teacher asked him to tell her the sentences. The boy said, "Shut up, you donkey!" The teacher got angry after hearing this and asked the boy, "Do you want me to slap you?" The boy said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." This made the teacher so angry that she slapped the boy. Immediately, he started jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!" The teacher dragged him to the principal's office, as she was fed up with him. The principal asked the boy what his name was, to which he replied by singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" She asked him where he lived, so he sang, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."
Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.
Your mom is so fat that she works as a hydraulic press in a car factory!
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Roger.
(Roger who?)
Roger walks away, silently sobbing, having realized his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse!
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that lives with the royal family?
Rolls Royce.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
At what point does a joke become a dad joke?
When it disappears and never returns home.
Why do orphans go to church?
Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.
Why are Mexican families so big?
They don’t know how to put a condom on.
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.