Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
What's it like to have the best daughter in the world? You'll have to ask grandma!
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
