Family jokes

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

What's it like to have the best daughter in the world? You'll have to ask grandma!

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Someone on here said it previously:

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is until my mom took the urn away from me.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."