Family jokes
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
What is the difference between iPhones and orphans?
iPhones have a home button.
What do you call an 18-year-old orphan?
Homeless.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
Yo dad is so hairy, people chased him because they thought he was Bigfoot.
My dad was a great pilot...
He died in 9/11.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
I put the fun in dysfunctional.
My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.
Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.
Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?
Son: Yes, why?
Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.
Yo momma is so fat, when she tried to hang herself, the noose broke.
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.