Family jokes
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Knock knock, who's there? God.
God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
You're so ugly when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they never make it home.
What’s the difference between a basketball player and an orphan?
One has a home to run to.
Why can’t the orphan play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
What might an aborted child want for Christmas?
..... a home that isn't a bin.
What do you call Joe from Family Guy in an electric wheelchair?
RoboCop.
Your manna so fat your father will be coming around the mountain when he cums.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)
Why don't orphans play tag?
Because there's no one to catch.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
Why can't an orphan make a home run in baseball?
Because they have no home to go to.
You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."
A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.
Why are orphans good at dodge ball?
No one misses them.
My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
Why can't orphans play soccer?
They can't kick.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they won't know where home plate is.