A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"
Then the man said, "Thereβs only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"
Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.
God: *SILENCE*
Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!
God: *SILENCE*
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
Jesus is the worst, just joking; he is the best! Best best BFF great guy ever that has a miracle. Jesus comes from Bethlehem! πππππππππ
A priest and a rabbi were hanging out at a playground. The priest waves to a kid to come over and tells the rabbi, "Let's screw this kid."
The rabbi looks confused and asks, "Out of what?"
I heard a motivational quote saying faith can move mountains, but faith cannot move your receding hairline.
A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ainβt got nun left." Then he died.
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
Why did Jesus come back from the dead? He forgot to tell you that you're gay!
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
Why do orphans love to go to church? Because they have someone to call father.
Is that a person over there?
Na, it's Jesus.
And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
Why did the child die? To see God, our father.
If I tell you, "Jesus is the trickster," am I, or is he?
I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.
Jesus, that's sick.
God's consciousness: Art.
God's unconsciousness: Christianity.
