Failure jokes
Kobe couldn’t clutch up with the rift to go.
If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
I will tell you a joke--your life.
What did the screw say to the screw? We sure screwed things up!
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!
I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.
My pencil sharpener broke, so now my pencil is pointless.
I wish I was dead like my jokes.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
If you try to fail and you succeed, which one did you do?
what's the worst thing to say to an emo?
if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.
I don’t usually tell 9/11 jokes, they usually crash and burn.
I’m like an escalator because I’m always letting people down.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
People wear chokers, and I'm a choker too, because I tried to choke myself 6 times.