You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Once I tried to catch some fog.
I mist.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
A: One got to finish a race.
My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.
I had problems milking my cow one morning. It was an udder failure.
