Welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make 'em, we take 'em!
What's written on the bottom of a Belgian swimming pool?
"No smoking."
We are always joking around about being adopted, when really we are still living in the orphanage.
Hey, the biggest distraction will never be my tattoos in this facility if you understand what I am saying.
But in all seriousness, welcome to the biggest frat party taking place near the ocean. I am most likely going to tell my family this or maybe not, depending what's going down. I am very adaptive through different circumstances.
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
What did the kids say hi to? A slide.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
What do you call a baby in an elevator?
Lubrication.
I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”
Why are hospitals always freezing?
They need to keep the vegetables cold.
Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.
So three retards walk into a classroom...
Sike, it was the garbage. They mistook it for their classroom.
I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
