Have you ever felt an earthquake? It’s not nature; it’s Brandan Bressler.
Where did the king hide his armies?
In his sleevies.
Worst joke ever.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
No? Neither did he.
Have y'all ever heard of dad jokes? Y'all hairline is funnier than those.
If you're ever bored, just bully an orphan. What are they gonna do? Cry to their mama and father?
People joking about 9/11.
Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."
Oh.
"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"
Ever heard of ligma? Ligma ba--
Did you ever walk into Stephen Hawking's house?
Answer: No, neither did he.
I don't joke about 9/11 because I lost my dad. He was the best pilot I ever knew.
Have you ever walked past Stephen Hawking's house?
No, well neither has he.
Don't ever try to give an emo kid a high five. They'll just leave you hanging.
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
What’s the best Marvel villain song EVER?
It Was Agatha All Along!!! *gasp* And I killed Sparky, too. *laughs manically*
The toughest job I ever had was when I was selling doors, door-to-door.
What do you call the worst feeling ever?
Drinking Big before Mini. :)
I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.
An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.
I was on a website doing homework, and there was this funny a** commercial banner saying: "Eat a bag of Dick's!" It was the funniest sh*t ever!
I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...
Because you already look ugly.
Best pick up line EVER.
There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.
