Employment jokes

Orphans can’t work at Johnson and Johnson because it’s a family company.

So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."

One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

We hired this boy to pick up dog poop. We just remembered that we don't have a dog.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Cause it's a family company.

Q: Where does a one-legged waitress work?

A: IHOP.

My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

I see that you start work at 9am, but your hairline starts at 9:15am.

Wood-fired pizza.

How would pizza get a job now?

9 people walked into Bunnings Warehouse.

2 people bought plants.

3 people bought shovels.

1 person yelled.

3 people left Bunnings Warehouse.

1 person was me. I guess those three people are fired! 💁‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I worked at a calendar factory, but I got the sack for taking a few days off!

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!