Employment jokes
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Cause it's a family company.
Q: Where does a one-legged waitress work?
A: IHOP.
My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.
Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.
I see that you start work at 9am, but your hairline starts at 9:15am.
Wood-fired pizza.
How would pizza get a job now?
9 people walked into Bunnings Warehouse.
2 people bought plants.
3 people bought shovels.
1 person yelled.
3 people left Bunnings Warehouse.
1 person was me. I guess those three people are fired! 💁♀️🤦♀️
I worked at a calendar factory, but I got the sack for taking a few days off!
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!
I got fired from a pickle factory for getting my finger caught in a slicer. They only gave *her* the day off with pay... unfair!
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!
I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
"Dick, you're fired."
"I'd buy that for a dollar."