Dying jokes

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.

Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.

Guy: "My life is like a game, I should end it."

Guy 2: "Is it a hard life?"

Guy: "Yup"

Guy 2: "Then you can't kill yourself LOL"

Guy 3: "Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the 'game'"

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.