DoS jokes
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
Why do orphans only have 363 days of the year? They don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
Memes
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do on guitar?
Fingering A minor.
What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?
Roamin’ Numerals.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What do turtles and lesbians have in common? They both choke on plastic.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
Why do orphans go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
Why do pedophiles never win a race?
Because they are always coming in a little behind.
How do emos propose?
"Would you like to join my family tree?"
Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: You're both!
Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?
Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!
What do you say after committing incest?
No Chromo!
What do pedophiles and Xboxes have in common?
They both get turned on by kids.
What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.