If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
What do gay people and mice have in common?
They both hate pussy cats!
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
I feel bad for the people who died in 2001. Those poor terrorists died doing their job.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
