Dont jokes
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”
Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.
“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”
“From my father,” said Johnny.
“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Why are orphans sad?
Don't ask, or their parents may... oh wait, carry on.
Why do orphans not have cheese on their burgers? They don't have a dad to get milk.
Orphans maybe got phones, but they don't have a home button.
Why don't we have female magicians?
'Cause the last ones got hanged.
Me: Bro, I don't think the Twin Towers will ever order pizza again.
Friend: Why?
Me: Because when they ordered pepperoni, all they got was plane.
I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
How many skinny people can fit in a tub? I don't know; they keep slipping down the drain.
Stop making 9/11 jokes. They don't land so well.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I don't know an orphan joke, but I bib cried last night.
Because I am an orphan.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?
Cause it’s a family business.
I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla?
At least gorillas don't abort their own.
A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.
First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."
Why do cheetahs have spots outside of their bodies?
Because they don't have them on the inside.