Dont jokes
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
Yo mama so fat, that’s why people don’t want to marry her, except for fat guys.
"Don’t look! I saw you peeking through the window."
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.
Why did the Asian parents have an Asian baby?
Two wongs don't make a white.
(True story)
One day Sally's mom said, "I can just eat you up!" And Sally says, "No, you can't!" Then the mom asks why and Sally says, "Because I'm a beaner, and we don't taste good."
My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
What did the emo say to the popular kid?
"Go fuck yourself for thinking all emos cut because they don't... y'know, for a matter of fact, fuck all you guys..."
Why don’t we just call blue balls a cummy ache?
I was at work yesterday and I saw this kid crying. I went up to him and asked him where his parents were, and he started to cry even more. Gosh, don't you just love working at the orphanage?
The best thing about an orphan? They don’t have to suffer from "your mama" jokes.
You know what a triangle has that women's rights don't? A point.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!