DOE jokes
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? I don't know, either. It depends on how hard you throw them.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)
What does a baby and a grenade have in common?
They both make noise after you throw them.
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
What does Pikachu and an orphan have in common?
Pikachu, I choose you!
Teacher: Ok class, good morning. We are going to start off by asking what kind of sound animals make.
Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?
Class: A cow says "moo moo."
Teacher: Good!
Teacher: What does a sheep make?
Class: A sheep says "baa baaa."
Teacher: Good! Now, what does a pig say?
Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall, you stupid mother fucker!"
Why does a heterosexual man swallow the sperm of another man after he has given him a brojob?
Because of the cream filling inside, just like the individually wrapped cakes of Hostess Twinkies.
Why does the orphan eat water with cereal?
Mom forgot to come back with the milk.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
You wanna hear a joke?
Two Emos hanging out under a tree.
How many Emos does it take to commit suicide? Way too fucking many, because they never get it right the first time!
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes to get the milk yet never comes back.
Miss you dad.
Why does JD Vance not need a conviction?
His running mate has 34 of them!
Where does the Batman go to pee?
The Batroom.
How does Helen Keller say "dad?"
I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.
What does Michael Jackson and a lion have in common?
They're both predators.
What does a glass of water ask a pond?
"Water you doing?"
What does the pond answer?
"Pondering life."
What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
A blowjob is anonymous.