How does a rapper make tea?
He drops some HOT BARS into a cup.
DOE Jokes
How does a rapper greet someone on a cold day?
"Yo, is the temperature Ice Cube, or Vanilla Ice?"
How does a rapper stay warm in the winter?
With some HOT TRACKS!
How does a rapper start his day?
With a MIC check!
How does a rapper make a burrito?
With WRAPPING paper, DUUUHHHHHH!
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?
A dead person does not walkie or talkie.
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What does a bridge and a fat chick have in common They both get laid by Mexicans
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.
But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .
What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?
Sells the wheelchair.
What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself?
A hypoteNUSE!
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
