Dick

Dick jokes

Lockdown

    • Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

    The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

    So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.

    “Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”

    She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."

    "It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."

    She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"

    He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."

  • 1
    • Dick memes

    Hunter

    • What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?

    They both make terrible hunters.

  • 0

    • Human

    • Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.

  • 1

    • Boy

    • Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

    Day

    • Sell PC.

    Go to Croatia.

    Try to fly to the US to meet female.

    US won't let me in.

    End up in Norway.

    Female leaves me.

    Female gets arrested by feds.

    Feds read all my messages and see my dick pics.

    Just another day in the defib life.

  • 7

    • Inch

    • Alicia: I said no already, quit it. You are thirsty, leave me alone creep.

    Nathan: I wanna sex YOU.

    Alicia: I LOVE DICK bud, you're *WEIRD*.

    Nathan: WE-WE

    Alicia: WEE-WEE?

    Nathan: YES YES YES LETS FUCK NOW TAKE them panies off u said yes well in french but u said yes

    Alicia: U tricked me I ain fucking u

    Nathan: *SEX ME!! BITCH SEX ME OH PLEASE SEX ME SEX ME* *screaming saying it*

    Alicia: *WEIRD*

    Nathan: Dick ten inches and i geuss u cant call me *10 inched big long dick nathan* your lose

    Alicia: WHAT NO.... wait? 10 inches yess

    cauh!.cauh! ummm umm long dick goood unmmm couh coun ccccchhou

    nathan: why do i have the urge to stick a chicken wing up yo pussy

    cuugh umm

  • 2

    • Girlfriend

    • My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

    So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.